but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
