Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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