Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
