Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
