Taylor Swift is so right about you.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize