I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
