I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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