I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
