Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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