I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
