I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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