well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
