I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
