You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
