A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
