I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
