You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
