I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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