Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
