Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
