dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
