I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
how drunk are you?
Several
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
