the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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