Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
