omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
