Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
