textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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