this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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