nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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