i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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