I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
