My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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