Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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