Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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