The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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