morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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