Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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