I think I won the penis lottery.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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