just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
false alarm. still invincible.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
NoShamevember. You game?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
