His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
