Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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