just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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