Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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