It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
