i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
