but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
