shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
