Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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