last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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