I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
COCAINE IS GR8
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
