bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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