I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
