Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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