Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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