RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
