my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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