My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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