Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
A+ Viking dick
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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