i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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