I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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