My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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