i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
