rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize